


Gonna Miss Him, Since He's Gone

by orphan_account



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Collage, Drugs, F/M, I have no idea how to tag, M/M, Seo Changbin is Whipped, Tragic Romance, Young Love, angst with fluff, felix dies, hyunjin is a good friend, im sorry, jeongin is a drug adict, jisung and felix dated, minho is a qween, sorry - Freeform, young stray kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 16:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14793563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Life often is filled with unbearable hardships. Lee Felix knows this as well as anyone, and things don't seem to be getting better for him.Seo Changbin is trying to live his okay life as a sober companion. He meets Lee Felix and everything goes to hell.They wouldn't change anything for the world.Re-posted from my old AO3 account as "Animal Crackers and Gold Wedding bands."





	Gonna Miss Him, Since He's Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Okay first of all, I would like to just ask myself why. Why the frickity-frack would I make myself cry like this????  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy my smol little Stray Kids story.  
> I hope you enjoy!!!!

He’s three the first time he experiences a crush. The first day Felix meets her, he knows. She’s sweet, with large cheeks, and a bright, toothy smile. 

“I’m in love,” he thinks to himself every time she laughs. He starts to offer her little gifts. The largest cookie when he’s helper at snack time, the first place in line when he’s line leader. 

 

He’s three and a half when he realizes it won’t work out. It’s dark in the Kindergarten classroom, the teacher is pacing in between the soft mattresses during nap time. Felix lies awake, listening to her giggles as Hyunjin passes her Animal Crackers. 

“I’m sorry,” she says after school on the playground. “I just don’t think it’ll work.” She and Hyunjin date for a few days before she starts to like some first grader. 

“It’s all for the best,” Hyunjin grumbles, whipping a snotty nose on his sleeve. “She just wanted the Animal crackers anyway.” The two sit on the concrete of the playground, rolling a basketball between them, watching her gallivant off somewhere with the stupid first grader. 

 

He’s four when he realizes girls are mean. Hyunjin is giggling softly with a girl halfway across the classroom, while Felix practices drawing “Superman S’s.” The girl puts her hand over her mouth and points to Felix. He knows it’s nothing good and continues to draw on his slightly tear stained paper. 

“She’s a meanie,” Hyunjin replies to him as Felix askes what she’s said. “Cool drawing though Felix.” Felix smiles and clears away a tear tracing its way down his chubby cheek. 

 

He’s five and a half when he realizes that boys are mean too. A boy in Felix’s new class tells him he’s fat. He tells the boy that maybe he’s fat too. Seungmin cries for a while in the back of the classroom. 

Felix tries to talk to him, but Seungmin runs away during recess. “Oh well,” Felix says, not thinking about fat Seungmin anymore. 

 

He’s five and a half when he realizes that actions have consequences. He hears boys in his class calling Seungmin fat. He laughs and points too, at “Keun Seungmin,” the fat boy who always wears stripped shirts. 

Seungmin doesn’t come to school one day. Felix asks Hyunjin where he is. Hyunjn shrugs and sadly says Seungmin moved away. Felix can’t help but feel a little bad. 

 

He’s six when he realizes that she’s still kind of cute. Unfortunately for him, that first grader that she liked still likes her. Their dating, Chan says, “And if you don’t back off, I’m going to beat you to dust, punk.” 

Felix lets Chan have her and goes to eat Animal Crackers with Hyunjin. “It’s a lonely existence,” he tells Hyunjin, who scoffs. 

 

He’s seven when he realizes he can make a difference. Some sixth grader at the middle school needs help, says his mom. “He just can’t make friends,” she says. Felix takes this as a challenge. 

“Want an animal cracker?” he asks with an eye smile. Hyunjin whimpers behind him as the boy takes a cracker. They spend the afternoon together, talking about Sonic the Hedgehog and snack food. “You would like Seungmin, Minho,” Felix says with a laugh. “Too bad he’s gone now,” Hyunjin says darkly. 

 

He’s eight when he realizes his mistake. The rain patters overhead on the Lee’s tin roofed house. “You just don’t get it,” Hyunjin yells, finally cracking after a joke about Keum Seungmin. 

Felix goes to bed with a massive headache and swollen eyes after Hyunjin gets up and leaves. “If only I could do something,” he whispers to himself, realizing he drove away not just Seungmin, but Hyunjin as well. 

 

He’s nine when he realizes it can get so much worse. His parents don’t let him hear at first, but after a while, every word of their constant bickering is audible to Felix. “You just don’t get it,” he yells at his father a few days before his birthday. He clamps a hand over his mouth and runs into his room, remembering Hyunjin, who he hasn’t talked to in months. 

His father moves into the living room and Felix gets to sleep on the floor every Friday night. It’s a treat to him, getting to see his dad without all the yelling. 

 

He’s eleven and a half when he doesn’t see his dad anymore. It’s a Friday night, and he moves his pillow out onto the couch. Felix’s dad isn’t home yet, but he doesn’t think anything of it. His mom tells him, “Go ahead and start it without him sweetie,” and so Felix starts watching the movie he’s chosen. 

Felix falls asleep about halfway through, and in the morning, his mother wakes him up and hurries him outside. He’s not sure why there’s an ambulance outside their house, or where his father is, but he gets in his grandmother’s Honda anyway. A horrible sinking feeling fills his stomach as he sees a large black bag being loaded into the ambulance. 

 

He’s twelve when Hyunjin talks to him again. Chan is with him, both wearing black suits and sporting solemn looks. “Sorry for your loss,” Hyunjin says hollowly, gazing at a picture of Mr. Lee above his sleek grey coffin. 

Chan pats him on the back, and Minho moves to stand next to Felix. “I’m sorry.” The words are meaningless, he’s heard them so many times. “I’m sorry wouldn’t have stopped my dad from doing it,” Felix thinks. He doesn’t say anything though. 

 

He’s thirteen when he finds “the one.” Jisung is sweet, and Felix likes him. It’s a week before they say, “I love you,” to each other. They listen to Big Bang when they make out in Jisung’s room after school. 

They call it quits a month in, deciding they like playing Call of Duty together more than making out. “I wish I had someone,” he tells Jisung a week later. Jisung scoffs and punches him. “You had me, dummy.” Felix smiles and tosses an Animal cracker in his mouth. 

 

He’s fourteen when Seungmin comes back. “You’re not fat anymore,” he thinks when he sees him arm in arm with Hyunjin, red stripped shirt straining at his now broad shoulders. “You look cute together,” he says instead. Seungmin smiles and hugs him. “You’re not an ass anymore.” 

Felix knows Seungmin is joking, but his eyes are a little damp in Seungmin's shoulder. “I’s so sorry,” he whispers. Seungmin claps him on the back and draws away to kiss Hyunjin. 

 

He’s fifteen when he becomes a math tutor. He doesn’t know why, he’s barely making a passing grade as is. The little eighth grader is cute, with soft eyes and braces. “It’s just algebra,” Jeongin giggles. “Just algebra?” Felix thinks. 

He finally figures out that Jeongin’s supposed to be mentoring him and feels rather stupid. The younger boy just laughs it off and teaches Felix quadratic equations. 

 

He’s sixteen when he gets drunk for the first time. Chan invites him to a cool college party, along with Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Minho. Jeongin tags along anyway, as young as he is. It’s wild, and Felix wakes up spooning Jisung. It’s a little awkward, but not really. 

“Being drunk sucks,” he thinks, as he picks out chunks of what he can only hope is bean dip out of his sweater on his way home. 

 

He’s seventeen when he has to leave everything behind. It’s not quite everything though, as the group has all decided to go to colleges close to one another. It’s hard to see Jeongin though, as the youngest is still in High school. 

Jeongin is a mess most of the times Felix has come back to visit. He doesn’t know what to help the flustered boy with, it just always seems futile to give him advice or help, since he’s always stoned. 

 

He’s eighteen when Jeongin falls off the deep end. The youngest passes out near the underpass of a highway near a party he’s at. The local police pick him up off the side of the road, completely wasted, high and drunk, asking for Chan or Felix. 

Chan posts bail for Jeongin’s drug possession, but there isn’t much else to do. “What the hell Innie?” Felix hears Chan yelling at the boy. Drug possession and driving under the influence are marked down on Jeongin’s personal record. 

 

Felix is eighteen and a half when he finally decides to follow the footsteps of his father. He’s got everything ready, all his letters are lined up neatly in his desk, seven letters for each one of his friends. It all comes crashing down around him, as he’s sitting on his bed, bottle of sleeping pills in his system. 

“I’m sorry I even tried, Hyun,” he cries into his phone, vision blurring. 

He wakes up in the I.C.U of Saint Mary’s Church. Eight sets of eyes are looking down at him, one of which he’s unfamiliar with. It’s Changbin, Jeongin’s new sober buddy. Felix feels uncomfortable with all the attention, so he asks them all to leave. 

Hyunjin doesn’t though and sits by Felix’s bed. “I read your letter, Fee.” Felix nods and looks at the I.V. in his arm. “I’m sorry,” he thinks. He doesn’t say anything though. 

 

He’s nineteen when he meets Changbin again. It’ outside of Jeongin’s new apartment. The older man is much shorter, and Felix smiles every time he has to look down at the man. “Let’s grab a coffee,” he says, pulling a piece of fuzz off Changbin’s favorite black sweatshirt. 

Changbin is one of the nicest people Felix has ever met, and by far the strangest. They share their first espresso in a Star Trek themed cafe of Changbin’s choosing, and their first kiss in the Art History section of the University library. The two balance each other out, and that’s the way they like it. 

 

He’s nineteen and a half when he and Changbin “make love.” He doesn’t understand why it’s called “making love,” since there’s already quite a bit of love, even before sex. 

He tells Hyunjin, who squeals over the phone. “Now you’re not the only virgin in the group,” Seungmin chimes in on the other line. Felix smiles and sweeps a lock of hair out of Changbin’s face. 

 

He’s twenty when he goes to Changbin’s graduation. “One more year,” he thinks to himself, cheering as Changbin and Jisung walk across the podium in ballroom B. 

They all go out for drinks after, except since Jeongin is there, they all order Cokes. “This’ll be you soon,” Woojin proudly announces to Hyunjin and Felix. They both nod and smile, not entirely sure they want to graduate. Hyunjin passes him an elephant animal cracker under the bar. “To youth,” he whispers. Hyunjin smiles. 

 

He’s twenty-one when he gets the news that Jeongin is out of rehab for good. It’s great news too, they all go out for drinks, but since it is a sober celebration, they all drink cola. It’s fun but lacks a little spirit since Jisung is picking up extra shifts at the hospital, and Woojin and Chan are at work. 

 

He’s twenty-one and a half when he starts experiencing pain in his hip. He just writes it off as too much dancing during practice, but Hyunjin tells him to get it checked out. He doesn’t and continues to go to dance practice. 

Felix collapses in dance practice the next week, sweating and shivering violently. The doctor says his white blood cell count is low. They put him on some sort of medication and tell him it’ll get better. 

 

He’s twenty-two when Changbin asks him to marry him. “Just a few more years,” Felix replies with a sly smile. He doesn’t want to be like Woojin and Chan, married right out of collage like some lovesick fools, even though that’s exactly what he and Changbin are, lovesick fools. 

“I’ll ask again then,” Changbin says with a wink, putting the gold band back in his pocket. Changbin does ask too, for a while. 

The two are making dinner together when Felix wipes away a bead of sweat and steadies himself. “Did you take your pill?” Changbin askes worldly. Felix nods and goes back to chopping carrots for dinner. 

 

He’s twenty-two and a half when he realizes not everything gets better. Changbin’s at work, and Felix faints. He wakes up in a pool of blood and doesn’t know where it’s come from. He calls Hyunjin, who calls an ambulance. 

“I’m sorry,” he thinks as Hyunjin arrives in his hospital room. He doesn’t though and looks emotionlessly at the wall. The doctor tells him he has a blood disorder, but that it may be treatable. Felix tells Changbin nothing and asks him to move out. Suborn as he is, Changbin stays, wiping away a tear tracing its way silently down Felix’s cheek. Felix decides to come clean about the blood disorder. “The doctor says it’s treatable,” he tells Changbin. 

 

He’s twenty-three when he realizes it’s not. Jisung, already a nurse, tries to move in with them as Felix’s live in nurse. It’s too difficult to see his friend going through what he is though, and he leaves one day after a particularly violent coughing fit that sends a wave of blood onto the floor. 

Felix locks himself in the bathroom for an hour, laying on the cold, tiled floor, sobs echoing through the small room. Changbin stands outside the door, waiting for him to be done crying. 

He finally stops and unlocks the door. His nose has started bleeding, and Changbin blots Felix’s tear stained face until the crimson blood stops running out of his nose. “I’m sorry,” Felix tries to say, but Changbin only sighs sadly and wraps him in a warm embrace. 

 

He’s twenty-four when the doctor tells him he’s got weeks to live. It’s not easy for Changbin to hear, but Felix feels a great relief sweep over him. He texts Hyunjin, who replies instantly with a text saying, “You can do it.” Felix smiles grimly at the doctor and gets into the wheel chair he’s been having to use for the past few weeks. “Do what?” He thinks “Die?” 

It comes as a comfort to him when Jeongin tells him he’ll take care of Changbin. Not relief that it’s Jeongin who’ll do it, because god knows that boy could only take care of about one house plant, but that someone will. Felix smiles and sips his iced tea Jeongin has provided him and tries not to think about what will happen to his friends when he’s gone. He can’t stop his mind from wandering though, and soon has to ask Jeongin for a tissue to wipe his eyes. 

 

He’s twenty-four when he drinks his last coffee. The caffeine is supposed to be too much for his frail system, or so the doctor says, but Felix drinks the iced Macchiato anyway. Changbin and Hyunjin smile and laugh at how wide his eyes get minutes after finishing the coffee. Jeongin makes a remark about his past drug abuse that sparks both a humorous and solemn response from the three older men. 

A few hours later, Felix apologizes profusely for Changbin having to take him to the bathroom so often. The change in diet from mostly saltines and applesauce Felix has been ingesting to the rich coffee from earlier has upset his system. Changbin only smiles and hums softly outside the bathroom as he waits for Felix to be done. 

 

He’s twenty-four and a half when he lives longer than the doctors say he would. It’s been almost a year, and he just wants it to end. It’s late at night when he admits this to Changbin. “I wish I would just die Binnie,” he says. 

Changbin opens one eye and slides his hand into Felix’s boney, waxy one. “I wish you would have said yes.” 

Felix lays awake, trying to figure out what Changbin meant. It doesn’t come to him, and he drifts off to sleep. When he wakes up in the morning, he asks Changbin about his words, but the older denies remembering what he said. 

 

He’s twenty-five and a quarter when he sees them all for the last time. The group comes to visit him in the hospital room he’s come to know as a bedroom. They bring him what could only be described as his last meal, consisting of a bottle of Coke, and a small box of animal crackers. They all tear up as he tells him weakly that he loves them all, and Jeongin breaks down into sobs as Felix clutches his hand. Felix can’t really blame any of them, but they leave all too soon. 

Changbin steps back into the room after having a word with Felix’s nurse. It’s only a matter of hours, minuets even, they say. Felix snickers as he remembers they told him he only had a few weeks to like a year ago. Changbin lays his head down next to Felix’s hand, and Felix just faintly strokes his hair. 

Changbin finally falls asleep, head resting on Felix’s stomach. The older had crawled into Felix’s hospital bed and carefully rearranged the tubes and wires so Felix could still breathe. He wished Changbin hadn’t, because whatever was going to kill him, be it renal failure, the dozen viruses, or infections he had, would kill him, just as lack of oxygen would. 

Felix decides he wants to let go late in the night, not wanting to have Changbin watch it happen. He closes his eyes and waits, but nothing happens. He can’t feel the presents of death anywhere near him, and it seems that as if, for one tiny moment, he isn’t going to die. “It’s a damn shame too,” he thinks “we’ve been planning for a funeral, and they might as well get one.” 

He laughs at his own joke and it turns into a feeble cough. It wakes Changbin for a moment, but the older just drifts back to sleep. Felix can’t blame him either, it’s been a long week in the hospital. Changbin readjusts himself on Felix’s stomach, and the younger notices an envelope poking out of Changbin’s jacket. He grabs it, leaves it under his pillow, and decides to make it one more day. 

 

He’s twenty-five and a half, when he reads what Changbin has written to him. He wakes up in the morning to see that Changbin has moved during the night, from his place beside Felix, to the armchair in the corner. Felix carefully pulls out the letter and opens it up. An object falls into his lap with a soft thud, and he starts to read. It’s a quick process, given the only things on the letter are “I wish you would have said yes,” and “I love you with all my heart,” in a loopy scrawl Felix recognizes as Changbin’s. 

He smiles and slips the ring on his thumb, given his hand is shrunken and unable to fit the gold wedding band on his hand. 

 

He’s twenty-five, a half, and two days when he decides he’s had enough. Changbin tells him that they’re all in the hallway, and when Felix holds his hand as he smiles and says, “I love you,” for the last time. 

 

Lee Felix is twenty-five years old when he dies, surrounded by people who loved him, a box of animal crackers beside his bed, and a gold wedding band on his left thumb. 

Seo Changbin is a broken man when he realizes that Felix finally said yes.

**Author's Note:**

> Well it's over, and I'm sorry. TT0TT  
> I really hope you liked it, sorry for any spelling or gramatical errors, I tried my best, as did my lovely beta, imonlyalittlecrazy.  
> Let me know if you have any ideas for one-shots, because I'm stumped right now!
> 
> Please give me kudos if you enjoyed, and leave a comment as well! <3 <3 <3


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